What does it mean to die when you already feel like a corpse?
It’s been difficult lately to be awake without feeling disappointed. In some sort of unfortunate irony, I find myself more amused than ever before, but also feeling hollow … subversive to my mind and productive emotion. Anything that I used to scrap some meaning into, seems almost distant to me…struggling to find a face despite an intensive effort to eliminate it.
Even as I write this, it is hard to articulate what I feel ‘wrong’ with me. And that makes me doubt that this problem is real, or if it is a byproduct of what I feel ails me. Nothing elaborate or intriguing enough to make my mind function seamlessly seems to come up. A word usually flashes in my head, and I try my best to decipher what it means. ‘Thoughtless’ has been blinking bright red even before I started writing this, but it was hard to mention. I am inclined to conclude that my taboo for the word is yet another indicator that as a worthwhile person, I have already rotted several times over.
There is some editing to this piece: some of it because of habit, some of it because of the superficiality that seems entrenched within me. Most of it though is simply what I’m thinking, squeezed out and unchanged. Obviously, my mind cannot keep to one topic, but I’ll attempt my best to continue.
I feel vaguely useless and uninspired. I do not blame my humour, as laughing is one of the most enjoyable things I can do. But jokes and absurdity seem to have made very little room for anything serious and thought provoking. Like a doused fire, I am uncomfortable with how little embers I produce. I have nothing to burn for, and nobody to ignite me. This used to be something I did for myself, but I can’t seem to remember how. I am crippled, and haven’t any way to show it. I’m trying, and also looking for ways to get up…but I just fall down again.
I hate feeling absent from a world that I knew could hold so much beauty. So much happiness. I want to see all that, I don’t want to feel apart from it. I’d like to find meaning. And burst with sunshine even when it’s night.
Right now though, I feel like crying… because I’ve finally perfected something in my life: the role of the mediocre human being.